Hang On!

The last couple of days have been filled with several dizzying turn of events.

Let's start with the shocker:  Mr. R came home. Yes. Just like that. No warning, no bells and sirens.  He had come from a 2 week business trip and then he went straight to our house to visit the kids.  From that time he never left.  He got his stuff from his apartment and decided to move back in. Yes, just like that.

You might be wondering, "why isn't she rejoicing? Isn't this what she's always been praying for?" Yes, true I have been praying for the day when "suddenly" I will find him back home.  But how can I rejoice in the fact that physically he is there, but emotionally we are still not restored?  I look at him, and looking back at me is a shell of the man who was once my all, but with no traces of the love that I was familiar receiving from him.  It is truly bittersweet -- I am happy for the kids, but sad over the state that our marriage is still in.  Mr. R came home but is still not ready to work on our marriage yet.  Some say I need to give credit for the fact that he made an effort home despite how he still feels about us.  True, he deserves credit for that indeed since it must've taken a lot of swallowing of pride and humble pie to drive himself over to our house.  But what deeply saddens me more over his lack of interest to fix our marriage, is that I feel that he has drifted away from the Lord and he has lost sight of God's will and plan for our marriage and family.  Although he came back, he has not felt or shown any remorse or repentance over his decision to end the marriage and leave the family, and this on it's own is a very sad truth.  It's been a week and he has been showing us that he is still very cold, very far from the Lord, very from us and still very broken.  Everything about him is saying that he would rather be somewhere else than here.  We've been walking on eggshells a lot and I feel it is not fair for me and the kids, but what else can I do for now?

The Lord said to me at one point that I must stand. Stand firm. Stand in the gap. That I must pray for the marriage restoration and not give up no matter what.  My mind is telling me that this is the right thing to do, but my heart and broken spirit is feeling as hopeless I was when this all first began. 

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” - Malachi 2:16

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." - Matthew 19:16

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." - Ephesians 6:10-14

I need to trust fully in the Lord's work I know.  He's all I have left right now -- God.  My heart is a void which needs God's love to fill it.  I am just so sad that Mr. R seems so far away from the Lord that he even said at what point, "nobody loves me other than myself!" How tragic that he cannot even feel God's love for him anymore!

Right now the only thing that keeps me going each day is the thought that God does not desire this for me and my family.  I have to believe that God wants my marriage restored because it was He who brought us together.  I am holding on to the hope that is from God that maybe someday, when I least expect it, God will do something amazing for me and my family because he is Jehovah Gmolah (the God of Recompense), and that he is a God who will return evil for evil and good for good.  I know I still have a long way to go from here, and that each day brings new hope and grace from God.  I continue to just hang on to my faith, as painful as my circumstances may be today, and ask the Holy Spirit to continue to lead me in the direction that God wills for me to go.

Now What?

It has been 4 months since my husband and I separated.  The next few weeks and months were a blur of sleepless nights, crying, talking to friends and family, crying, anger, crying, doing errands, crying, hurtful exchanges and more crying.  And these were all just MY emotions, not including my kids' and possibly my husband's (maybe not so much of the crying).  I was the one "dumped" in this scenario, as you might have figured with all the crying.  I was married to the person I saw as my "soul mate" and "Mr. Destiny" with 14 years of marriage logged in our resume.  We had moments of peaks and valleys as all married couples that have gone past the 10 year mark may have experienced, but we never had frequent majorly-major fights that I recall.  In fact, if I were to count the number of explosive arguments (read: walking out screaming and staying at parents for a few days) we've had I wouldn't raise all ten fingers in the past 14 years.  So when the day came when my husband expressed his unhappiness in our marriage, I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.  I was shocked, confused, devastated and... afraid.  Because I knew that this wasn't anything like our past fights.  What I thought was a petty argument over bad scheduling, to him was the straw that broke the camel's back.  It was the beginning of the end.

Let's start to call my husband in the course of my posts as Mr. R for easy reference.  Mr. R is a very quiet, introspective kind of person but can appear personable and outgoing if the occasion or work calls for it.  For several years it was pretty obvious that we were at extreme ends of the pole -- I was an only child, he was the middle child; I was extremely sanguine and choleric, he was melancholic and phlagmatic (see PERSONALITY PLUS to know personality types); I was an artist, a dreamer, a go-getter; he was very calculating, a mathematician, very cautious. For years and years we were aware of these differences but we managed to dance around them.  I thought we were a happy and content couple, growing in the Lord's plans as we became involved in a Christian community and service.  Like I said earlier, we had our moments of ups and downs but we always found our way through the Red Seas of our marriage.  Whether it had to do with finances, relationships, work or children, we always sought the Lord's help in our crisis and we pulled through in the end, marred but unscathed.  But somewhere along the way, Mr. R kept pieces of our past problems in his pocket that I was unaware of.  As we went through each trial, we would talk, forgive and move forward.  But what I didn't realize was as I left the baggage of my anger and resentment behind, he brought souvenirs of his own.  And then when the years went by, his pocket got heavier and heavier until one day it just couldn't carry anymore.  Then the day came when the world came tumbling down on me.  What I thought was a blissful marriage turned overnight into the darkest time of my life.  My future in just a blink of an eye became uncertain as I nervously looked at my children. How many of you reading this would understand what that felt like?  Did you go through a problem recently that made you feel this way too? I would like to know how you managed.

Anyway, so what is the point of this post? For one, I would like to introduce my blog and to mark my new journey through a personal journal of sorts. What do I wish to achieve? Basically I need a place to vent and rant on some days, then to share victories and blessings on other days; maybe in the process of writing out my thoughts I might find women who are going through the same journey as I am and who might want to share their own feelings or just relate with mine.  At this point, I try to live my day one day at a time.  I don't try to look towards the daunting future ahead of me right now.  Some days are easier than others, but to get to the end of the day for most women in my place might be a victory already in itself.  Some people ask me, 'how are you able to get up in the morning and face a new day knowing this problem is still there?'. I myself am amazed at my ability to function normally still, but not without so much pain and sadness.  I can only reply, "by God's grace alone."  I am hoping that by writing out the challenges of being 'suddenly single' can help lighten my burden a bit, and hopefully someday get me to the point of healing and recovery.

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.